Wednesday, April 15, 2009
i remember the first time i fell down and got a major cut on my knee when i was 4. i was running ahead of my mum, across the stone-covered market square of setts, eager to be in front, to see what was ahead. i was told that i behaved like a monkey, forever climbing or running around. i remember the searing pain that surfaced after i overcame the surprise of having fallen over. i didnt want to cry, but i did anyway, because i was afraid. i didnt dare to look at my knees. i heard of blood before, that sticky red liquid that runs through your veins.. but i'd never seen my own blood before. i was afraid. i heard of pain before, but had never experienced much of it. so that was pain? i didn't like it. i was afraid.
at 4, you're given the green light to be childish and immature, and be forgiven for doing so. pretending to be a fairy, i tried to wish away the pain, to force the blood back into my unbroken skin with my will, and nothing but my will alone. to forget that i was in pain.
but at 19, i finally realise i've got to drop all pretenses, my childish notions, superficial concepts and conclusions. time's up, playtime's over. God reveals, little by little, events, all of which were unpleasant, which i'd intentionally forgotten as a child. i regret not having strength enough then to retain unpleasant memories. at the same time, i feel nothing, nothing but fear, for having to deal with the knowledge today, which i've avoided all these years. fear, for the inability to recall what i'd forced myself to forget. fear, upon deliberating on the possibilities, on the actual occurences, of the unknown, fear, fear, fear.
just as dettol cant heal your wounds, time cant either.
been fighting a war with myself, and boy has that been an uphill battle. a pity, but in every war, there will be pain and bloodshed. but it's alright. triumph for the better half is on the way. all that matters is that i know Your love has set me free.
someday i'll fly, someday i'll soar
someday i'll be so damn much more :)cos i'm bigger than my body gives me credit for. stop reminding me of my past, coz im reminding you of your future.
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9:51 PM
